Book Review: In My Dreams I Hold a Knife by Ashley Winstead

Rating: 4.25 / 5

“In My Dreams I Hold a Knife” is a sharply crafted murder mystery that follows Jessica Miller as she attends her college reunion, only to be forced to confront the buried secrets surrounding the murder of their friend Heather. The novel’s chapters alternate between the present and past, supplementing the story with context from Jessica’s upbringing and college days. I found this novel to be immediately gripping, telling its story through a deeply flawed and difficult-to-like character. Winstead introduces a cast of deeply human, well-developed characters, that cleverly spin a web of deception to hide the truth behind Heather’s murder.

-Spoilers Below-

The main group of friends, also known as the ‘East House Seven,’ functions almost like a cult with the hierarchy perfectly detailed by Caro: Mint (and Heather at times) at the top, the ‘cult leader’ who seemingly holds the most influence over others like Frankie and Jessica secretly desiring to emulate and be associated with him. Those ‘at the bottom’ like Caro and Jessica appear to be the ones most insecure and susceptible to possessing this near-obsession with creating an identity that revolves around being part of this clique. These relationships serve almost a purely transactional purpose with most of them using each other for status (excluding potentially Jessica and Coop). In a way, this friend group is so toxic it stunts the characters’ growth. Particularly Jessica, even a decade later seems to possess the same narcissistic personality and identity rooted in East House 7, with these people consuming all her waking thoughts. These characters feel stuck in their old roles, showing little to no growth by their college reunion and maintaining no friendships beyond this group. Noticeably, however, Caro, arguably the most obsessive and requiring the most validation from the group, is ultimately the one who voluntarily steps away, which I saw as a strong moment of development for her as she decides her own value and identity is enough without them. 

Jessica Miller, I found, to be a strong protagonist, albeit not a likable person -- she’s simultaneously narcissistic and deeply insecure, caring about her perception of herself to such an extreme extent that she often comes across as a teenager rather than a 30+ year old woman. She has sociopathic tendencies and constantly makes questionable decisions / judgment calls; and yet, I was sympathetic towards her. I found myself rooting for not her triumph but her betterment -- this distinction becoming immediately clear as her walking away from Heather as she lay dying was not the triumph I wanted. From my perspective, Jessica making this final decision sealed her fate or, using the words of the author, sealed “how [her] story would be written” as the villain. Jessica’s last line is “I hoped I’d never get what I deserved,” suggesting that she, too ,has accepted that there would be no coming back from this or redemption possible for her. After a lifetime of believing she was unfairly denied the opportunities and rewards she deserved while others thrived, her sudden shift feels like the first moment she sees herself clearly—stripped of her inflated ego, resigning herself to the character she has created for herself through her own choices. The finality of this connects to the ever present fear that Jessica had as a result of her father’s death (and in turn for herself):

“I realized: there was no more time to change things. This was how it was going to end. How the story would be written.”

Her final realization reflects a point of no return - there is no time to change the fact that she left Heather to die, so in a way any further striving for greatness is meaningless. I think this realization is what finally frees her from the ambitions that had consumed her for years, explaining why she so easily embraces a life with Coop and barely reacts to losing the prestigious job that once defined her identity. In a twisted way, Jessica almost seems to find a sense of peace and freedom by leaving Heather to die and accepting herself for who she truly is. Tragically, we never see Jessica become into the “better person” but she at least strips away these illusions she previously clung to.